


Golden Voyage

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, POV First Person, POV Jade Harley, POV Second Person, Retcon Timeline, Squiddles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:42:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24832549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jade attempts to cope with the issues presented to her by the three year trip through the Yellow Yard, though ends up once again victim to a vicious cycle of depression and loneliness.
Kudos: 7





	Golden Voyage

**== > **

****

****

JADE: and so they all get to live happily ever after together!  
JADE: the end! :D  
JADE: did you like it, jaspers?  
JASPERSPRITE: Meow yes jade i think the story was very sweet and happy!  
JASPERSPRITE: Especially because that one right there reminded me of rose!  
JASPERSPRITE: Purr purr :3

Jaspersprite extends one of his tentacle arms and points at a purple squiddle on the floor, situated comfortably between three squiddles of different colors. Even he’s easily capable of realizing that the stories you set up between your squiddles are really just scenarios you’ve made up in your head about you and your friends having a good time and going on fun adventures together. You sigh as you use your spacey magic to place the plushies back into the purple chest you brought them out from. 

JADE: yep  
JADE: she is a lot like rose!  
JASPERSPRITE: I love that because i love rose so much.  
JASPERSPRITE: Oh boy i cant wait to see her after this year passes! :3  
JADE: me neither jaspers…

Another year to go. You’d figured that, after two years already having passed, you would be happy to hear that. But you really aren’t. It’s another year of regret and loneliness. One more year to spend constantly mourning the loss of your ecto-brother/best friend and another one of your good friends. One more year eating practically nothing other than Nannasprite’s cake and doggy treats.

Just thinking about the scope of an entire year makes you want to be sick. After the game you had hoped for three years of fun aboard this golden battleship with John and Davesprite, but all you got was a week or two of trying (and failing) to learn how to properly socialize with other people followed by the loss of your two best friends, sending you spiraling down into a depression-filled voyage defined by nothing but loneliness and regrets. You want to be truly happy again, to really feel like you’re having the time of your life in every waking moment, yet it’s become all but impossible. No dreams, no real friends, barely any will to even get yourself to the other side of the yellow yard. Nothing’s ever made you come close to this upset before in your entire life, not even the death of your dear grandpa. Your spirits are shattered and you want nothing more than to just finish this stupid journey and maybe feel some sembalance of true, unbridled happiness once more. Not the artificial, temporary happiness you give yourself by partaking in any of your various hobbies. But alas, time will march forward at its regular pace of one second per every second and you’re going to have to deal with that 31,556,952 times over.

JASPERSPRITE: Jade?  
JASPERSPRITE: Are you okay???

The question snaps you off the depressive track your mind had set itself upon and sends you spiraling back into the moment. It takes you a moment to refocus and remember what you were even doing.

JADE: oh!  
JADE: yes jaspers im okay

Yet again you choke out the same words you’ve told to Nannasprite over and over again throughout the past 2 years. They ring just as hollow as they normally do.

JADE: thanks for asking  
JASPERSPRITE: No problem jade!  
JASPERSPRITE: I want to make you happy in any way that i can even if you used to chase me sometimes. :3  
JADE: hehe  
JADE: you are a very good kitty jaspers  
JASPERSPRITE: Purr :3

You give him a scratch behind the ear, as a good kitty such as him deserves. He purrs louder and rubs his head up against you, spurring you on to let out a small giggle.

JADE: awwww :D  
JADE: thanks jaspers  
JASPERSPRITE: Meow :3

**== > **

****

****

You spend a few more minutes scratching him behind the ear before he wanders off randomly, as cats tend to do. Now you’re alone in your room, killing some time lounging around on your bed. There’s a nature documentary about wolves playing on the TV. Nothing helps you destress quite like watching a documentary about your favorite big doggies. By now you’ve exhausted the entire backlog of wolf documentaries that you have access to, though rewatching them has proven to be a good way to use up bits of your remaining time before entering the new session. 

The documentary is covering pack behavior. Specifically, how wolves are very social creatures and how not being part of the social hierarchy can affect them. It’s a depressing reminder of your current situation.

With a sigh you turn the documentary off and lay back against your pillows. A squiddle plush squeaks as you accidentally lean on it. You pick it up from under you and look down at it. It reminds you of the story you’ve been telling with your other squiddles, the same one you recounted to Jaspersprite earlier.

It’s more than obvious to anybody with higher brain function that your squiddle stories are just thinly veiled projections of you and your friends onto inanimate plush children’s toys. You’ve spent hours upon hours building up impressively large and interlocking storylines just to have some semblance of interaction with the friends you long to see.

But of course it doesn’t even come close to replicating what it would be like to actually be with your friends, doing anything at all that isn’t being depressed and lonely on a ship full of dumb lizards and less than intelligent chess people.

You roll over to the other side of your bed and look out the circular window into the cross-dimensional abyss beyond. This isn’t a rare activity for you to partake in, you do it every time you’re feeling particularly shitty and depressed, which is almost always. It always inevitably leads to you getting entrenched within your own thoughts and inner contemplations. Now is no exception.

You feel yourself start to slip away from the actual reality surrounding yourself and into your own thoughts… 

**> Jade: Think **

****

****

its not fair

none of this is fair!

all i ever wanted was to be with my friends! and the one time i actually had the chance to they ended up dying! dave and rose and all the trolls are probably having the times of their lives over on their meteor but im stuck out here in literally nowhere crying myself to sleep every night and eating nothing but cake and boxes of dog treats. 

it feels like the universe is always playing a game of “lets make jade be as sad and lonely as possible” and its really really good at it! i wouldnt even be surprised at this point, considering that john and davesprite died for literally no! fucking! reason!!!!!!

nothing about it was even close to heroic or just, why didnt john come back? at least then id only have to cope with the death of ONE of my best friends instead of both of them! and i wouldnt be doing it alone, either!

but that would mean i get to be happy and thats just so fucking impossible for the universe to comprehend now isnt it! why cant i just get a single happy thing?

“oh no jades having a good time looks like its time to kill all her friends and make her sit on a dumb shitty ship for three years wondering why and how it happened!”

“yep that sounds totally great just blow up the planet her two friends are on and SOMEHOW make sure the one who would normally revive from such a dumb stupid death doesnt come back!”

ugh! i wish i had just let john and davesprite go over to the meteor without telling them that i wouldnt be able to go. sure id still be lonely and a little sad but at least they wouldnt be dead because i was so scared of being alone. this would be so much easier if i let that happen! 

but no, i just had to let them know that leaving would mean that they couldnt come back and now theyre dead. i was going to be lonely no matter what i chose! let them go and be lonely, let them stay and end up lonely and depressed! sure, the choice is very easy in retrospect but i chose the shittier option because i had no way of knowing it was the shittier option!

this stupid journey was supposed to be fun! if reality itself didnt decide to fuck me over i would be having so much fun with john and davesprite right now! id actually be happy for once in my fucking life!!!!!

JADE: WHY CANT I JUST BE HAPPY!!!!!

You scream out to nobody in particular before collapsing onto your bed and crying into your pillow. Tears roll down from your glowing green eyes, some making their way down your cheeks and some staining your high-prescription glasses. You curl yourself into a ball, pulling your legs up and wrapping them into your own self-hug. The position is all too familiar. Using your powers you pull the blanket completely over yourself and shut your eyes, doing your best to fall asleep and hopefully fight off at least some of these awful thoughts. Your sobbing slowly begins to subside into occasional sniffling as you begin to doze off for what you hope will be at least a brief escape from the thoughts filling every inch of your mind…  


  



End file.
